Spring cleanse

During last weekends record rainfall I was making the bed. When I went to lean over the bed: drip. drip. drip. Right on my back. Ugh. I look up and the leak was a small stream running down the dormer line and dripping onto the bed. Paul and I agreed that unfortunately, we couldn't wait for the next planned 3 months to save for a new roof. We needed a new roof and now. So, I called and it was a 2 month wait or a Friday opening (small house, quick job). They thought it would take one day but the 6 guys finished up at 8:30 last night and worked from 7-12:00 today. It looks great - The Red Roof is GONE! Wee hoo! Now, what color should we paint the trim??? The green is the next thing to go. Let me know if you have any thoughts.

Anyhow, I had an appointment today with a holistic nutritionist and it was great. I'm basically going to do a Raw diet for 2 weeks along with steamed chicken, fish, shrimp and the like. The goal is to eat food in its purest form and as organic as possible. Dairy and wheat is restricted as is red meat and obviously foods that I am allergic to. In addition I'm taking chlorella and CoQ10 and flax seed oil. Interesting...the goal is to refresh the liver and toxins that I've subjected my body to over the past, oh, I don't know - Lifetime. It's the perfect time for a spring cleanse so here I go!

On the menu tonight: fresh guacamole with cucumber chips and radishes to scoop and sea salt. Paul's even into it. He's asking for me to make gazpacho but actually... he tends to turn it into a Spanish bloody mary. ;)

In good health my friends!
Love,
Kelli

$56 bones to fill up! Happy Friday! We're looking at $2.55/gallon on High Ridge Road just off the Merrit. If I didn't procrastinate on fueling up the car & been freaking about being on reserve, maybe I could have come to work and looked for the least expensive gasoline in the area.

The Devil, er, Pope Benedict XVI Wears Prada! And the church doesn't want to allow gay men into the priesthood? Looks like one slipped through the cracks and is impersonating Elton John.

Happy Earth Day!

The deer that frequent our property brought their babies to check out my compost bin. I counted 11 - yes 11 deer about 20 feet from our back door. They were all soaked from the rain.

On this Earth Day, I am curious if a lot of people make a connection between God and our beautiful planet. We are mere temporary tenants here. I believe in the right of a mother to abort a pregnancy but I also believe that the experience of life is a gift. I am humbled by mountains, by the ocean and sky and the flower buds that return year after year as spring returns. Without getting too philosophical, life in itself humbles me and makes me question the direction that we as humans are going. We want things that are absolutely Ego and meaningless. I do not understand when people make donations to charities for the purpose of naming a building or even floor tile after themselves. As a gift to a deceased relative: fine but I want to make a difference or impact in my own way and if I have done a good enough job, the work I have done will continue or be improved by someone else. I want to make a difference to myself - I want to grow as a person and it seems that as I do this, I seem to become more humble and want or need less to feel satisfaction and peace within myself. For me, Earth Day is the most spiritually reflective day of the year.

Big company mentality

I'm back at work and sloppy. I am feeling undisciplined and angry at myself for it. At home, I sit down and plow through files and any coordinating I need to do. At work, I feel overwhelmed and suck. If I come in on a Saturday and nobody else is here, I have motivation and accomplish much but knowing I have to be here M-F 8-5:30 just does something to me and I slow down. What is this about? I am SO busy here yet I feel I get nothing done - I just fumble all day. I think it is time to tuck in the shirt, suck in the gut and get the work done for my peace of mind. Am I alone on this? Is this basic human psychology?

Feeling kinda groovy.

I hope you're having a great day & enjoying this beautiful spring weather. We're tentatively locked in for a vacation with some good friends and plan to do a whole lotta nothing: lay by the pool, golf, tennis, BBQ.

I noticed some black marks on my kitchen floor the other day (we have a traditional black and white check linolium floor). There were swirling skid marks that went beyond our normal in & out of the house and I remembered that 2 weeks ago, our friend Cena was dancing with her 2 year old son in our kitchen. It makes me happy and because of it, I haven't yet cleaned the floor. To look at those marks is telling me that I have friends and they are comfortable in our home. I am very fortunate indeed.

Snippy Snappy

What a pain in the butt I have been. Can I blame it on the medication? I've been speaking before thinking - upset because when I got home from work yesterday, my wonderful husband that has done laundry and the dishes, fed and walked the dog, is ignoring me. Not fully, he's just working. I am fussy and upset that he removes his Tabasco from the bin, uses it and leaves it on the counter. What is wrong with me? I'm being a pain in the ass wife that I said I would never be. No wonder he hid in his studio. Ugh. I refuse to become a middle aged pain in the ass wife - REFUSE! So, right now I want to tell my love that I am sorry. I will stop being so difficult and do my best to appreciate you the way you should be. I know you are going through a lot (and that is an understatement) at work so I am here for you - for us - to get through it together so that we can each continue to grow as individuals and become better people. You're the one that taught me that's possible in the first place. Love, Your wife, Kelli

Amazing cure for stress!

The media is always hounding us about how busy we are, how we're getting less sleep, our children have to be more competitive to get into the right school (even though parents seldomly pay attention to manners, integrity and ethics), we're told what is wrong with us and how we can visit a doctor to fix it! Yippee! We're spending our days busy just keeping up with news about how fat our bodies are and trying to figure out who or what to blame it on - oh yeah, that is stress! So how about this: how about we turn off our TVs, radios, and yes, computers for an evening every now and then and pick up a book or garden or do something that is regrounding - maybe even just sit in a lawn chair and listen to the sounds that are around you. You don't need to schedule a massage or yoga class to get the same effect. It is called perspective and it seems that most of us have lost it.

How different is your life from your parents & their friends were at your age? How about our grandparents? I am not a traditionalist but there is something really beautiful about just being present. Enjoying the sound of the dishwasher running after the dinner dishes have been cleaned and you can sit and read a book without distraction. Yes, it is nice to be busy but the world will not stop if and when you decide to step away from the hectic pace. I'm tired of it really. It doesn't matter where you live - city or country or suburb - living is about being present and enjoying the moment. We have this one moment right now - now - now - now (just playing with you) and the past is over, the future is not controllable so why not take a nice cleansing deep breath and be content with this moment. It is funny that when I think of life in these terms, I need or want very little. Now, turn off your computer, stretch out your body, walk outside and look that the grass is greener than it was just a couple weeks ago - and wave to your neighbor while you're at it.

And I'm spent.

A full day of work and I'm in pain. It was too much despite my taking 1/2 a Percocet in the morning. I started to get tough with people and it being the day before our board meeting, was probably a good thing. I have little tolerance for people that are wasting my time chasing them down for something that could easily be mentioned in the meeting and probably would not otherwise be commented on. So, I told people to get their damn presentations in and all of a sudden a call comes into my manager. He of course backed what I said and they gave me what I asked for - within minutes (hours late but still). So, my stress level is high and this isn't what my body needs. My manager kept telling me to go home and now I am - in comfy cotton yoga pants, a fitted tank and a fitted ballet top - thank you very much. I may be exhausted but for the first time in 10 years, I am happy to be wearing something and my real body is with me.

It's funny, I have a smaller chest yet feel more attractive and comfortable with my body now than I did when I had a larger chest and weighed 10 pounds less. The grass may be greener on the other side but sometimes, its because the grass is astroterf which, as we know doesn't taste so sweet. wow, percocet must be kickin' in. Love, me.

I wanna be your dog

William and Cena and their beautiful son Alden, came up to Connecticut from Brooklyn for an overnight stay. We played some music but with our lifestyles the way they are, we were all beat by midnight or 1AM. Alden is a drumming prodigy and will prove himself once his foot can reach the kick pedal in about 4 years. Anyhow, they let me sing a song and Cena inspired me to sing it with more gusto and well, balls. They suggested that Paul and I go to their bar, Magnetic Field, (http://www.magneticbrooklyn.com) for Live Band Karaoke night on Thursday and sing it. Since Friday is a holiday, maybe I should? or, maybe I should give me body a rest. The thought of singing such a raunchy song is fun though. Maybe, maybe not. What should I do?

How much is too much information?

I'm in pain. I went to work today and was in a lot of pain - a lot. Clutching my rib cage by crossing my arms, my manager welcomed me back and asked how I was, I looked at him and had tears in my eyes. He asked why I came back so soon if I wasn't ready... I need to get back to my routine. So, all day long people are asking how my vacation was yet I'm in pain - I just said I was out for a medical procedure and still a bit groggy (no that green tone to my skin is not a strange tan). People are too polite to ask and I'm not going to volunteer the information. There are a few people that I work with and trust enough to talk about and it is theraputic to me to do so but still, there is a fine line of what is appropriate and what isn't. Even with family that is true. Anyhow, I'm still working on getting off this medication - 1/2 a pill twice a day. This weekend I'll knock it down to 1/2 pill per day and stop as soon as I can. My body is still healing.

Love

This past week has been a strange one. I've been taking pain medication and forgetting what I said one minute or did the next. It's been an adventure. I started to get angry toward my mom for not calling and angry at my sister for pressuring me to go to Vegas for Memorial weekend and she's booked the room (I'm on medication, how can I make a decision? And I would never choose to go there otherwise). Then, I turn on my work PC to check emails in preparation of a big meeting tomorrow. Some guy who is a mid-level annoyance emailed me and my boss at 2pm asking if he can be first on the agenda because he needs to go to a noon meeting. Now, we're talking about a meeting that is filled with high level executives and this guy emails on a sunday to ask us this. he got my Out of Office message that said I would be back on Monday but regardless, he emails me at 4pm again to ask the status of his request. So, I'm supposed to be resting and this guy (who has done similiar things in the past), sets me in a bad mood. My husband made me a healthy dinner and I decided that, my Mom brought me into this world and does what she does. I cannot judge her but only love her for who she is. I called her and we talked for 30 minutes about gardening and how she is. My sister, is just excited, I called her and explained that I cannot make any decisions until I am off medication and that although I would love to see her, I am in no position to agree to anything right now. She totally understood. This guy from work - he is not worthy of a sunday response. And my husband? He's awesome.

what this comes down to is that I was resenting people for being who they are but they are all human and in my life. I have a free will to respond to them as I wish and I choose to do it with love.

My husband is awesome. I was a big pain yesterday with pain from my surgery and he didn't say a word - he just handed me a percucet (sp?). hahaha In all fairness, he has been waiting on me hand and foot, doing laundry, while dealing with the bizarros in his 'Office Space' job. No kidding, watch the movie and you'll get a good idea of why he's banging his head against the wall. So, last night, I was grumpy and uncomfortable and he gives me one pill, noting that I need to start phasing off of them. I've been taking them with a pain killer and something else that helps me sleep so I haven't noticed the effect of each individual pill. I can now see how people get hooked on these things. It was like a calorie free cocktail with a splash of energy thrown in. I made dinner, folded the laundry and cleaned the kitchen all while smiling and laughing. This is amazing compared to what I have been able to do for the past 6 days - the majority of which I don't remember. Anyhow, as fun as that was, I have just a few left on my prescription and then its back to reality. On a similiar note, I have to go back to the doctor in 6 weeks for a follow up visit and he also said no exercise for 3 weeks. Does that include lower body exercises such as a brisk walk? I figure no impact is a given but I was too drugged up to get the full understanding.

This sounds weird but I come from a very thin family. At 5'8" and 140lbs, I'm the shortest and heaviest of my siblings. I know that I have been sabotaging myself by gaining weight and trying to make my body 'invisible'. Now that I'm back to my natural 'God given' state, I want to eat healthier and exercise and just be at my natural weight. I know I'll never be 125 again (weight at 21) and I don't want that, I do however, want to know that I can climb Mt. Si in Washington with my sister or go mountain biking and not lose my breath after 15 minutes. I want to cherish my body the way it deserves to be. Cheers. Have a lovely and healthy weekend. k.

Coolio! I'm ready to go. The reborn me is emerging from the drugs and the surgery. I'm not looking forward to Monday but it will happen...for now, I'm just enjoying some time at home with my dog and listening to music.

Cena called last night and she, husband William and toddler Alden are coming up for a Saturday night sleep over - a little bit of rock 'n roll may happen in the basement studio. Hopefully we won't upset our neighbors - too much.

I still need to book our vacation that expires on June 1st. It has been rescheduled 3 times now because of Paul's work. We were planning on spain last spring, then Arizona and now - who the fuck knows. He said we may need to reschedule again but I'm just about ready to call my sister and friends and go away with them instead of risking losing the vacation. It has been years since Paul and I went away because work or moving always gets in the way. I don't know when it will ever end. Why can't he find a job that allows him to just take a week off without him returning to fires? I know it is beyond his control but it is frustrating. I know I'm being selfish but I needed to say it.

So, my mom finally called. She didn't say anything about the surgery but wanted to just ask how I was feeling. Nothing about it - at all. I get the sense that she's dissappointed. I've done something that is a 'diss' to her. I really don't know what to think. She's my mom, damn it. Wouldn't she be glad that I've done something positive for myself? I keep hoping she will feel that way but that would mean that she would have to admit that my having surgery 10 plus years ago was a mistake.

Anyhow, I got off the phone and my sister called - she's been calling a couple times a day to check in. I told her mom called and she said that she had to forcefully tell my mom to call me. Mom's are supposed to be the adult and wise. My mom just seems to be in denial about her entire life. I love her dearly but she just won't admit that she's made mistakes (she's human) and will make mistakes. It's OK. I just don't know how to relate to her at this point in my life.

Surgery Day has come and gone... I made it and have reclaimed my body! My Dad, who has never said anything to me about my surgery (my mom convinced me to not tell anyone in the family that I was going to do it), called me on Sunday prior to the surgery - my sister told him I was going in. He called to tell me he loves me and that he's sure everything would be OK. that meant the world to me. After the surgery yesterday afternon, he called me and told me how glad he is that I once again have the body that God gave me. We still haven't come out and said what I actually did but that's OK. My mom left me a voice message last night that she couldn't call prior to the surgery because she lost her cell phone or some other lame excuse... she hasn't called back. Mom get's the big 'Whatever'. She's still my mom but I can't say I'm not disappointed.

I'm liberated, feel much lighter and planning on having a bra burning. I will weigh myself in a couple days but I'm thinking 3 pounds.

Women may go under the knife for many reasons and I realized once I woke from surgery over 10 years ago that I made a mistake. For me, two months of insecurity and allowing others to make decisions for me - and it has now been a mistake that has cost almost $11,000. to get back to my normal state. Emotionally, I couldn't be happier. I look forward to wearing really low cut tops for the sake of them being cute low cut tops - not selling the goods and having it look sleazy. I did this for all the women out there that think they will be happier if only they had a slightly smaller nose, butt or bigger chest. Just as I will never full lips or curly hair, this is who I am and I'm going to be the healthiest, glowiest version of who I am. I wish that other women can feel this way prior to going under the knife - the world would be a more beautiful place. My drugs are kicking in so its off to bed for me. Love, K.